The Adventures of the Crossdressing Dwarfs: Thorin
by FallingInABlazeOfLight
Summary: In revenge for Thorin walking them to death, Balin tells a story of an adventure that happened while Thorin still lived in the Lonely Mountain. This should be good... Complete and utter crack. If you take this seriously...


**This is a result of me being bored and arguing with the voices in my head. **

**Warnings: Really bad pick-up lines, cross-dressing Thorin, Thorin getting a poor unsuspecting girl drunk, and Thorin getting hit over the head with a handbag. That's about it. Oh yeah! And some slightly inappropriate sentences. I really have no idea how to put that...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings. If I did, then I would be dead and this story would not be on any fanfiction website.**

It was pouring rain, pitch black, freezing cold, the sun was most definitely NOT shining, and Thorin was still forcing the dwarfs to start moving before sunrise and to stop long after sunset. Bilbo was even more miserable than most, being allergic to pony hair while, you know, being forced to ride a pony. Not to mention that he was extremely out of place. So in case you have decided to lose a couple of brain cells or are just skipping this whole paragraph out of boredom, our lovely Middle-Earth boy band was not in the most pleasant of moods.

"Thorin! Can we rest now?"

"We'll stop when I say we can stop!"

This type of dialogue had been going on between every dwarf, mostly Fili and Kili, and Thorin for the past 20 minutes (Or 4 hours, depending on who you were asking.). Finally, they stopped. Thorin stalked off to go brood in peace, leaving the others to take care of dinner, the ponies, the sleeping arrangements, and the watches.  
"If only we had something to hold against him." Bombur sighed after stating this extremely obvious statement that I'm using to move the plot along.  
"Well I'm glad you said so!" cried Balin. "I have just the story for you!" Turning to Bilbo, he said, "In case you didn't know, the females of the dwarven species have beards as well as men. This has led to many-a-female dwarf tricking other human females into thinking they are males. Don't ask why. We dwarves are a very complex race. Our story begins a long time ago, in a land far far away... Whoops, wrong fandom!"

*Line break, line break, line break, line break, I'm a little line break!*

Our tale opens on a very big castle that houses many little people. A little boy is arguing with his brother. This little boy is Thorin. Thorin says.

"Dogs are so much better than cats!" His brother, whom I have named " Random-brother-that-I-can't-be-bothered-looking-up-the-name-of-but-that-I-know-exists" responds with,

"You are delusional! Wargs are so much better than both of them!" The Dramatic Narrator Voice speaks up.

"This argument continued on until one of the boys cut the other one off."

"You know what? I bet that if I can find a human girl, tell her I'm male, then convince her I'm actually female, then you have to say that dogs are better than cats." Thorin, the quickly-acting-more-delusional-brother, says. RBTICBBLUTNOBTIKE says,

"Done!" Enter Dramatic Narrator Voice.

"The two brothers parted, one two go find one of his sister's dresses to wear under his clothes, and the other to go find the Middle-Earth version of a video camera."

***3 days later***

"Lo and behold, a human female has entered the castle! RBTICBBLUTNOBTIKE and Thorin ran to greet her. With a nod from RBTICBBLUTNOBTIKE, Thorin swaggered up to the victi... I mean girl."

"Hey baby, what's your sign?" Poor Girl replies to this horrible excuse of a pick-up line with,

"Ummmm... Please leave."

"Wanna come back to my place and play a game of Scrabble?" Thorin throws out yet another sad excuse of a pick-up line.

"The girl agreed, as she felt that Scrabble would be a very nice game to make friends over. The two genders made their way to Thorin's room, with RBTICBBLUTNOBTIKE following closely behind. Finally, after hours of getting drunk as hell and moving from Scrabble to Hullabaloo, the girl decided now would be a good time to ah... get to know Thorin a little better. Sadly, Thorin had forgotten to take off the dress that was under his regular clothes, so right as they were about to have some fun..." (DNV is BACK!)

"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE A GIRL! JESUS MARY JOSEPH! OR WHOEVER REPLACES THEM IN THIS WORLD!"

"Poor Girl smacks Thorin over the head with her handbag and flees from the room with Thorin running behind. Even though he was still in the dress. He finally caught up to the girl. Sadly, he caught up to the girl right as her dad rounded the corner. Suddenly, he was the one running. People would forever speak fondly of the day the prince was seen running screaming through the halls of Erebor with a very large man trying to strangle him and a poor girl shrieking, "GET HER DAD! RIP OFF HER.."

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!"

The dwarfs jumped/screamed/fainted/up chucked/burst into hysterical sobs as Thorin sprang from out of nowhere in the shadows. Balin simply laughed.  
"Why, Thorin! I was just telling them about the time that you attempted to seduce a girl while wearing a dress!" Thorin suddenly beamed.  
"Gather 'round, little dwarfs. I was not the first dwarf to do this. My dearest brother had gotten the idea from a story dear old Balin used to tell..."

**In case you're wondering, I got this idea when I saw a dwarf in a dress running away from Erebor. I couldn't tell if he/she had a beard or not. Then I started wondering if dwarfs ever cross-dressed. Peace out!**


End file.
